Saturday, December 31, 2011

Di ambang 2012..Jom pegi


Saksi yang bengap

Di dalam sebuah sebuah mahkamah yang sedang membicarakan kes pembunuhan. Seorang peguam sedang menyoal seorang saksi penting.

Peguam : Awak kenal ini? (sambil menunjukkan gambar mangsa pembunuhan)

Saksi : Kenal tuan.

Peguam : Boleh awak beritahu kepada kami?

Saksi : Itu gambar, tuan.

Peguam : Bukan, maksud saya orang dalam gambar ni.

Saksi : Oh, itu gambar seorang perempuan, tuan.

Peguam : (mula tension) Yang aku nak tau nama dia lah bukannyer lelaki ke perempuan!

Saksi : Nama dia Saodah bte Sameon, tuan.

Peguam : Bila kali terakhir awak melihatnya? (meletakkan semula gambar itu di mejanya)

Saksi : Baru kejap tadi tuan.

Peguam : Hahhh!!? Bagaimana awak boleh lihatnya kejap tadi?

Saksi : Sebab tadi tuan tunjukkan gambar tu pada saya.

Peguam : Bukanlah, maksud saya sebelum saya menunjukkan gambar tu.

Saksi : Tak pernah tuan. Saya tak pernah lihat gambar tu sebelum ni.

Peguam : Aku bukan bercakap pasal gambar nieee!!! Aku bercakap pasal mangsa!!! (sambil menghentamkan pennya pada gambar tersebut)

Saksi : Oh! Kali terakhir saya nampak ialah ketika mangsa ditikam, tuan.

Peguam : Boleh kamu tunjukkan siapakah yang menikamnya yang berada dalam mahkamah ini. Adakah lelaki yang berada di kandang tertuduh itu? (sambil mengusap dadanya kerana terlalu bengang)

Saksi : Bukan. (tangannya kemudian ditunjukkan pada peguam tersebut)

Peguam : Hahhh!!! Kenapa awak tunjuk pada saya!!?

Saksi : Baru kejap tadi saya nampak tuan tikam gambar tu dengan pen tuan.

Peguam : ARGHHHHH!!! APA YANG KAU MEREPEK NI SYAITANNN!!! AKU BUKAN CAKAP PASAL GAMBAR TU!!! AKU CAKAP PASAL MANGSA YANG AKU BUNUH TU LAHHHHH!!!!!

Friday, December 30, 2011

Jawatan Kosong Di Koperasi Pekerja Pekerja Bank Malaysia Berhad

Jawatan Kosong Di Bar Council Malaysia

1.English Language Editor
2.Editor


http://siva-my.jobstreet.com

Jawatan Kosong Di Naza Kia Malaysia Sdn Bhd

Senior Treasury Executive


http://siva-my.jobstreet.com

Jawatan Kosong Di Sekolah Menengah Imtiaz Yayasan Terengganu

Guru Sandaran Tidak Terlatih (GSTT) Gred DC41


Tarikh tutup permohonan sebelum atau pada 10 Januari 2012
http://www.ytrg.terengganu.gov.my

Jawatan Kosong Di Prasarana

TECHNICAL

1. HEAD - ENGINEERING
2. JUNIOR EXECUTIVE - SAFETY, HEALTH & ENVIRONMENT
3. SENIOR EXECUTIVE - SAFETY, HEALTH & ENVIRONMENT
4. ANALYST PROGRAMMER
5. EXECUTIVE SECRETARY/EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT
6. CUSTOMER SERVICE ASSISTANT
7. ADMINISTRATOR





NON-TECHNICAL

1. JUNIOR EXECUTIVE - SAFETY, HEALTH & ENVIRONMENT
2. SENIOR EXECUTIVE - SAFETY, HEALTH & ENVIRONMENT
3. EXECUTIVE SECRETARY/EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT
4. ADMINISTRATOR



http://www.prasarana.com.my

Jiran Tidak Diundang

Seorang lelaki menghampiri rumah jirannya dan mengetuk pintu...
Ketika wanita muda tuan rumah itu membuka pintu..lelaki itu bertanya...

"Cik Puan... adakah cik puan pandai bermain seks?"

Kerana terkejut... wanita muda itu menghempas pintu rumahnya dengan
perasaan marah... Namun, lelaki itu tetap mengetuk pintu rumah tadi dan
bertanyakan soalan yang sama. Kali ini wanita muda itu menjerit sekuat hati
sambil mengusir jirannya yang tidak senonoh itu...


Malamnya.. wanita itu telah menceritakan kejadian memalukan siang tadi
kepada suaminya. Suaminya berjanji akan menunggu lelaki biadap itu keesokan
harinya jikalau dia datang lagi.


Ternyata benar... keesokan harinya lelaki yang sama datang lagi dan
mengetuk pintu. Wanita itu segera membuka pintu sementara suaminya
bersembunyi sambil memegang senapang...

Lelaki itu terus bertanya..
"Cik Puan... Cik Puan ni pandai tak main seks?"

"Mestilah pandai.. kenapa encik bertanya soalan ini?"
jawab wanita itu dengan berani...

"Baguslah kalau pandai..." kata lelaki itu...
"Kalau begitu.. puaskanlah suami cik puan dan beritahu dia supaya menjauhi
isteri saya!!!"

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Jawatan Kosong Di KOWAMAS


Jawatan Kosong Di Petrosains


Jawatan Kosong Di GAMUDA


Jawatan Kosong Di UTMSPACE

1. Pustakawan
2. Pembantu Eksekutif
3. Pembantu Perpustakaan
4. Pembantu Pejabat
5. Handyman


http://www4.utmspace.utm.my



Jawatan Kosong Di Academy of Sciences Malaysia

ASSISTANT ADMINISTRATIVE OFFICER (N27) 


Closing Date: 6 January 2012
http://www.akademisains.gov.my

Jawatan Kosong Di Malaysia Airlines (MAS)

Malaysia Airlines’ Malaysia Contact Centre (MYCC) staff




Closing Date 15 January 2012
http://www.malaysiaairlines.com.my

Apa korang jumpa dalam biji kopi nie?


Monday, December 26, 2011

Lucky Ah! - Ah Beng

One day, Ah Beng & Ah Seng were walking down the Chinatown when they saw something in their path.


"Wait!" cried Ah Beng. "Wat is tat huh?"


"Yah ho! Be carefool lo," warned Ah Seng.


"Wat is it?" They approached the thing and looked at it very closely.


"Eee look like shit lah!" say Ah Beng.


"Hmmm..... smell like shit also!" say Ah Seng after taking a deep breath.


Ah Beng then poked the thing with his one finger, raised the finger to his lips, tasted it and said,"Tastes like shit!"


Ah Seng pushed his finger right through the thing and stick out his tongue to lick. With confidence, he said,


"Confirm is shit!" 


Then they smiled at each other,


"WAH! Lucky we didn't step on it."

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Jawatan Kosong Di Securities Commission Malaysia (SC)

Senior Executive Managed Investment Schemes
Assistant Manager/Manager Managed Investment Schemes
Senior Manager Managed Investment Schemes
Assistant Manager/Manager Equities



Closing date for application: 9 January 2012


Jawatan Kosong Di NKF-Yayasan Buah Pinggang Kebangsaan Malaysia

Internship for Sciences Students
Internship for Human Resource Management Students
Welfare Officer
Project Executive
Clinical Instructor / Tutor
Public Education Executive
Dialysis Assistant
Administrative Assistant
Receptionist
It Executive
Training Executive


http://siva-my.jobstreet.com

Jawatan Kosong Di AgroBank


DEGREE HOLDER
HUMAN RESOURCE
·         Exec, Industrial Relations
·         Exec, Recruitment
·         Mgr/Exec, Talent Management

INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY
·         Programmer
·         System Analyst
·         Business Analyst
·         Analyst Programmer
·         Mgr/Exec, Management Information System
·         Database Admin
·         Mgr/Exec, Application Support

OTHER POSITIONS
·         Mgr/Exec, Treasury
·         Mgr/Exec, Credit Marketing
·         Mgr/Exec, Compliance
·         Mgr/Exec, Finance
·         Mgr/Exec, Legal
·         Branch Executive
·         Sales Executive
·         Mgr/Exec, Syariah Risk
·         Mgr/Exec, Credit Risk
·         Mgr/Exec, Credit Recovery
·         Valuer
·         Mgr/Exec, Market & Securities
·         Mgr/Exec, Risk Management
·         Exec, Loan Recovery
·         Mgr/Exec, Internal Audit
·         Mgr/Exec, Advertising & Promotion
·         Mgr/Exec, Islamic Banking
·         Credit Advisory Officer
·         Client Service Officer
·         Client Administration Officer
·         Exec, Service Banking
·         Exec, Retail Loan

DIPLOMA HOLDER
BRANCH OFFICERS
·         Client Service Assistant
·         Client Advisory Assistant
·         Client Administration Assistant

SPM HOLDER
·         Teller

Closing Date : 08 January 2012

Jawatan Kosong Di Johor Port Berhad

Company Secretarial Assistant
Audit Assistant
Administrative Executive
Productivity Officer
Electrical Engineer


http://siva-my.jobstreet.com

Jawatan Kosong Di ISLAMIC ARTS MUSEUM MALAYSIA

Accounts Assistant


http://siva-my.jobstreet.com

Jawatan Kosong di GAMUDA BERHAD


1.  
Construction Manager - Mechanical & Electrical 
2.  
Construction Manager - Civil & Structural 
3.  
Project Manager 
4.  
Senior Manager / Manager - Contracts & Commercial 
5.  
General Manager - Contracts & Commercial 
6.  
ASSISTANT SECURITY OFFICER ( BASED IN KAJANG ) 
7.  
Assistant Security Officer (Based in Klang) 
8.  
SECTION HEAD - QA/QC 
9.  
Resident Architech 
10.  
QUANTITY SURVEYOR 
11.  
SALES EXECUTIVE 
12.  
CLERK of WORKS ( based in Kajang ) 
13.  
BUSINESS APPLICATION EXECUTIVE ( BASED IN DAMANSARA PERDANA ) 
14.  
Quantity Surveyor 
15.  
Senior Safety and Health Engineer 
16.  
Assistant Finance Manager 
17.  
ASSISTANT SECURITY OFFICER 
18.  
Assistant Manager - Finance 
19.  
Assistant Manager- Project Management ( Based in Klang ) 
20.  
Environmental Engineer 
21.  
CMS Officer 
22.  
SKIM LATIHAN 1MALAYSIA - GAMUDA 
23.  
Clerk Of Works (based in Klang) 
24.  
Clerk cum Receptionist( 3 months contract-based in Kajang) 
25.  
Civil Engineer 


http://impact-my.jobstreet.com

Jawatan Kosong di Bursa Malaysia Berhad

Internship for Media/Art Students
Manager, Management Reporting
Senior Manager Regulatory Policy & Advisory
Manager Bursa Suq Al-Sila' Development


http://siva-my.jobstreet.com

Lagi lagi ah beng..

Ah Beng went to take night courses for the reason in future can 
get promotion or better job. During work, Ah Beng likes to show off to Ah Seng about his knowledge . 
Ah Beng: Seng ah... I've been taking night Courses for 3 months already, next week is the exam. 
Ah Seng: Oh... Good luck ah. 
Then Ah Beng started show off... 
Ah Beng: Ok, I test you, who is Graham Bell? 
Ah Seng: Don't know la.... 
Ah Beng: He is the inventor of phone la... in 1876, see... if you take night courses, you would know this. 
Ah Seng: ........................ *speechless... 
The next day, Ah Beng shows off again... 
Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... let me ask you, who is Jean Jacques Rousseau ? 
Ah Seng: Wash your toilet one ah? 
Ah Beng: No! He's the author of "Confessions", nah nah nah... told you already, if you take night courses, you would know this. 
Ah Seng: ......................... *speechless + frustrated* 
The next day, once again... 
Ah Beng: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas? 
Ah Seng: Your gay partner? 
Ah Beng: Choiii!!! If you don't know don't simply answer la. He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this. 
Ah Seng: ....................... *speechless + frustrated + irritated This time Ah Seng cannot tahan (stand) anymore and ask Ah Beng... 
Ah Seng: Eh... Do you know who is Ah Kaw? 
Ah Beng: Errrr... No! 
Ah Seng: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!! 
Ah Beng: ........................ *fainted*

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Turunkan suhu badan semasa demam

Sejak seminggu nie aku dilanda demam. Rasa lenguh satu badan dengan suhu badan yang amat tinggi.
Ubat tu dah 2 kali pegi klinik minta ubat. Masa jumpa awek aku, dia kata suhu badan aku nie panas sgt, last dia belikan kool fever nie. Aku mulanya wat donor jer la sebab ingat benda nie untuk baby. tapi bila dah tak tahan, rasa nak pitam sebab panas sangat. aku guna la. Alhamdulillah menjadi la. Sekarang nie suhu badan aku dah turun. walau panas still ada, tapi tak der la panas sangat macam semalam. So aku syorkan kepada sesiapa yang suhu badan tu tinggi cuba guna benda alah nie. 


Kool Fever untul adult


Teknik yang diguna bagi mengekalkan benda alah nie di dahi

Ah Beng oh Ah Beng

Ah Beng calls the telephone operator:
Ah Beng: 'Could you please tell me the time difference between
Singapore and New York ?'
Operator: 'Just a minute...'
Ah Beng: 'Thank you.'
Ah Beng got his answer and cut off the line.

At a bar in New York , the man sat next to Ah Beng told the bartender, 'JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE.'
and his companion said, 'JACK DANIELS,SINGLE.'
The bartender turned to Ah Beng and asked, 'AND YOU, SIR?'
Ah Beng replied: 'Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED.'

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime,
Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
'It took me only 5 MONTHS to do it,' Ah Beng said.
'FIVE MONTHS? Why did you take so long.' the friend asked.
Ah Beng replied, 'No, it is not long at all, look at the box, it says it is for 4 to 7 years'.

Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition.
During the Q&A segment, the host asks, 'Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'.'
The crowd shouts, 'Gin! Gin!'. Others exclaim, 'No, its Grape Juice!'
Another smart aleck yells, 'Alamak, Gatorade!'
Host : 'Quiet please.'
Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying, 'C'mon man, I don't need their help?
I got more original answer. My answer is 'Gu ni!' (milk in Hokkien)

Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it when he encountered some problems.
After a few attempts, he decided to use the 'Help' command.
Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer shop for support.
Ah Beng : 'I pressed the 'F1' key for help... but it's been over half an hour & still nobody has come to help me....'

In the class.
Teacher: 'Class, do you know the meaning of parents?'
Ah Beng: 'Yes, teacher, it means father and mother'
Teacher: 'Good. Can you give me an example?'
Ah Beng: 'Sure. Cowboy's parents means cowboy's father and mother.
Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo.
So if they walk together, we can say they are 'Cow Pay Cow Boo''.

Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered,' I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring lor- but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So Kena lor!'
'Oh Dear!' the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. 'But, what happened to the other ear?'
Ah Beng: 'That stupid fellow called back again loh!'

Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because according to the advertisement, below 18 is not allowed to go in.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...